✩Heather Ashley Chase✩

SELFISH on March 19, 2003

after last night… after the things that have been happening, I don’t think I want to continue on in this fashion any longer. I’m stronger than i used to be. way stronger. I notice that I don’t take shit from anyone, and anyone trying to “cut me down”, or “tell me the way things are”– I tell them to kiss my ass, now. I am done with the “sorry’s” and done with the “oh gee thank you for yelling at me, let me lick your fucking feet anyway”…done. done. done. done. done.done.

The things that are said to me. you have no clue. they are then turned around, and then NICE things are said.

I have never done anything as bad as this person has made me out to be. PARANOID… this is so funny to me, because I think it’s one big soap opera that I’m trying to be dragged into, at the amusement of others.

I will never say “sorry” again, for something I didn’t do.

I will not be bothered with insecure feelings that are someone else’s.

I will not tolorate being screamed at.

I will begin to walk away again, and not feel guilty.

people feed off of guilt. they LOVE to make you feel guilty.

I will spend my 23rd B-day alone, if need be, and I will take myself out, and have a Blast.

I will date myself, first. instead of dating someone else, and doing what they want to do.

I am a simple goofy girl, and I like simple things. I’m not materialistic, (but i love Gucci and Louis–big deal). I never ask my “man” to buy me something, mostly because the men I date DON’T have money. at all. nada.

I kinda like it that way, and that suits me fine, as long as it doesn’t screw up MY finances.

I like sweet guys, guys who can make me laugh. guys who can just chill out and play video- games with me.

yes, I am a geek, and most guys don’t like that I’m sure. they are used to being treated REAL bad, and it throws them off when I come around. It throws them off balance.

They are used to the GIRL cheating, and LYING. Constant LYING. they look for it. it’s a habit to he girl. they wait for it to turn its ugly head around the corner.

when they Can’t and will NEVER find it with me… they PANIC.

hen they notice I’m the real thing.

and then they do something stupid, because they thing they are in LOVE.

then they ask me to marry them.

and then it goes to shit. suddenly I am expected to do all these things, like understand why they are working all the time now–and don’t have time for a HUG…or even a KISS…, and loan money, and all this crap–well you know what? I am not doing this any longer. I swear, I was stupid and feel very foolish to think I was ready for a relationship. all it does is crush me, and my spirit. I get bogged down, and lose focus. I CANT begin to lose FOCUS. I just can’t. not in this business.

am I a shit for thinking about my happiness before someone else’s for once?

last night i was told i was selfish. I wanted a hug, and a kiss. I now am selfish.

someone just knock me over the head, and drag me away. and fast. someone put some real love into my life. not love that makes me feel guilty, or bad. some real love. not love that gets taken away with yelling and screaming. real love.

you know– and I’m the BEST fucking girlfriend this Jerk has EVER had.

THE BEST.